Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Would A Muzzle Be Too Much? Or Should I Just Find A Big Hole To Crawl In?

I love my 4 year old. He has a grasp on verbal skills that none of his older or younger siblings will probably ever quite be able to match. However, this can cause so many issues, for instance like yesterday. I wanted to crawl under a big rock so bad, but I couldn't.

This past spring, as some of you know, we lost a baby through miscarriage. We never really got around to explaining it to the kids, because we just didn't know how, and they didn't really ask what was going on, so we just left it. Good or bad, who knows. But back to yesterday, the hospital where they did the d&c allows mothers the options of burying the remains (as much as they're able to save), and then having a once a year memorial service for all the lost little ones. It was on the way there that I decided to explain what was going on that day. I told the kids that I had had a baby that died in my tummy (they're all pretty young, so I have to choose my words carefully), and that we were going to have a special church service. I allowed them to get all their questions out of the way before the service so that they would hopefully be quiet during the service.

We arrived at the chapel (a very small room, maybe 15 or 20 chairs, maybe half of which were filled when we arrived), and almost right away, my 4 year old boy starts announcing why we're there. Loudly. "My mommy has a baby in her tummy that died! It's right in there (pointing to my tummy). It died and we're here for a special church service!" At this point, I'm trying to quiet him down, and explain that the baby already came out, and there was a new baby in my tummy that was alive. Bad idea. "My mommy has a live baby! Where is the baby mommy? (I point to my belly, sinking even lower into my seat) Right there! There's a baby in there!"

I have never felt so horrid, since I knew there were a few families in there who had lost little ones as well, and don't have my ability to get pregnant at the drop of a hat. I didn't know what to do other than to just keep trying to get him to quiet down. Eventually he gave up trying to announce my situation to the world, but then started up on complete strangers on the way out of the hospital. Oh my. Whatever will I do with that boy?

By the way, the service was beautiful. We took the tiny coffin to the grave site, and now we have a beautiful place to visit our lost little ones. I had never heard of anyone doing this before, but it was really beautiful, and a wonderful idea. And while the kids probably were still too young to understand what was going on, eventually they will understand, and will be as excited to meet that little one in heaven some day as I am.


Joanne said...

My first visit here...I too lost a little one to miscarriage. It was during my 2nd trimester and I would have LOVED to have had a church service like you did. What a wonderful hospital, what a blessing.

I thought your little guy helped to make a difficult situation a little bit lighter. He sounds like a hoot!

God Bless, Joanne

MommaBlogger said...

Oh, he's a hoot, I just felt so bad about the way he was pointing it out to everyone else who was there, others who had also lost their child.

I must admit, while this was the second miscarriage we had this year, it made it easier for me to accept it in many ways. I was due right around now, so it's been a difficult month, but having that service and now a place to visit is great.

I know some hospitals will specially package what they can and send it to a funeral home if you request it. Then they'll bury it with someone else and tell you where the grave is. I don't know if they do it as much any more, but it used to be common practice.